Classroom Conflict Resolution Strategies for Elementary

In any group that spends seven hours a day together, five days a week, conflicts will arise. Arguments, poor choices, dysregulated reactions…tensions can run high. Students and teachers, even in the most carefully developed classroom, will not be able to prevent all conflicts. When they happen, we need a toolbox of conflict resolution strategies to help us move through them with grace. This is part one of a three-part series on conflicts in the classroom:

Part I: Classroom Conflict Resolution Strategies-how to help students build toolboxes for handling peer-to-peer conflicts in the classroom.

Part II: Behavior Management in the Elementary Classroom-tools and systems for teachers to feel confident managing behavioral issues in daily classroom life.

Part III: Self-regulation in the Classroom-how to help children move through big emotions and disappointments in the classroom.

We will be focusing on student-to-student conflict in the elementary classroom in this article. We will assume that your school starts before the elementary years helping children build a toolbox of conflict resolution skills.

Early Childhood Foundations

For example, benchmarks for a kindergartner for conflict resolution might be:

“I don’t like it when you___.”

To use this language, Early Childhood students must be able to identify their triggers and use their words instead of their bodies (hitting, etc.). We use a peace rose or peace stick to help two upset students take turns talking about their feelings.

Lower Elementary

By lower elementary, children are ready for a more sophisticated conflict resolution tool that can reflect how complicated social problems can be. However, they are still concrete learners that need to be rooted in a firm framework with consistent steps and language. The best tool I have found for this is Dr. Rosenberg’s Giraffe Talk . Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, authored Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life and founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication. He uses the analogies of the jackal and giraffe to describe different communication styles. These analogies can be used to introduce peaceful communication to even very young children. The beauty of the Giraffe Talk system is that it provides a concrete script to work through abstract social processes. When two students are upset they are guided to use the scripts to express themselves to each other (with teacher mediation if needed). The steps to a Giraffe Talk are:

1. “I notice…”(This must be a non-judgemental observation, like a scientist). Example: Sally says, “I notice you wouldn’t play with me at recess today, Billy.“
2. “It made me feel…” (Many explicit lessons are needed to help children build a vocabulary beyond happy, mad, and sad.) Example: Sally continues, “It made me feel jealous to see you playing with Heather.“
3. “I need…” (This is the most complicated step for students to understand. Start with explicit lessons on human needs such as shelter, water, etc. and expand into non-material needs such as companionship, safety, and belonging. The student expressing the need cannot demand something of someone else. In our example, Sally can’t say to Billy, “I need you to play with me.” The human need is a general need, such as companionship or belonging. This helps children understand that people do not have to do what we want them to do. Sometimes people’s needs conflict. Perhaps the last time these students played together, Sally hit Billy. In this case, Billy has a right to decline to play with her. Our happiness cannot revolve around other people doing what we want them to do. We want children to feel empowered to find solutions for their own happiness, and not believe it is out of their control and depends on the actions of others.) Example: Sally states, “I need companionship.“
4. “Will you…” (This is where the child can ask for a change.) Example: “Billy, will you please play with me tomorrow?” Billy might say yes, or he might say no, or he could propose a compromise. If he says no, we can help children reflect back on what their need was and ask themselves how else they might be able to meet that need. Help them brainstorm solutions. In our example, Sally wants companionship. If Billy won’t play with her, how else could she meet this need? She could ask someone else to play.
5. The other person’s turn. “I hear…” This is a chance to reflect back what the first person said to show listening. Then the person either agrees, disagrees, or compromises with the proposed solution, giving a reason. All of this communication must always be respectful and fact-based, not opinion based. Example: Billy responds, “I hear that you want me to play with you. The last time we played you hit me. It made me feel angry. I need to feel safe. I would like to take a break from playing together for a while. Maybe we can try again next week.”

This system may seem overly-complicated, but these are the awkward, concrete manifestations of very advanced social skills we hope to help children develop. We all toddle before we can run. An added benefit of this complicated script is that it takes effort. Often a child might run up to a teacher at recess to report a perceived wrong. When the teacher asks if they would like help having a giraffe talk, the child hesitates. Is the perceived wrong “bad” enough to take the time and energy of doing a Giraffe Talk? Sometimes it’s not, and the child chooses to let the issue go. This, too, is an advanced social skill. Letting small things get under our skin is counterproductive. Deciding which injustices warrant time and energy is part of the human process.

Upper Elementary

After three years of lower elementary, children are Giraffe Talk masters. They know the steps without a script and have a deeper understanding of the purpose of each step. Many of them also begin to negotiate conflicts independently, naturally moving away from using the script. In upper elementary, they are no longer concrete thinkers and are ready for abstraction of the conflict resolution process. Armed with years of scaffolded practice, they are able to negotiate, compromise, and articulate feelings. At this intensely social age, though, one issue can be when “groups” argue with each other. Even worse, it can feel very threatening when a group feels upset with one person. Therefore, the best support for peaceful conflict resolution lies with setting up the physical environment. Include a “peace corner” that can be used for quiet work, calming moments, etc. The most important component is that this corner has only two chairs. Direct students who are in conflict to this area for a quiet place to have their conversation. Remind them that peace talks are between two people. They will need to negotiate what pair of people most needs the peace talk. Perhaps a couple of peace talks should happen if the issue truly involves several people. However, each of those talks should only have two people, to avoid the feeling of “ganging up” on someone. A group of people can feed off of each other’s upset energy. That energy needs to calm down enough for both parties to be open and vulnerable with each other. Therefore, the concrete framework of two people in a peace talk at a time can help open more fruitful communication channels.